Till Death Do Us Part

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Today, I am compelled to the keyboard with a heavy heart. We once again have “mercy killing in the name of love”. A mother, to use the term loosely, killed her son because she was stressed and overwhelmed by his Autism. In the past years, there have been increased news reports of parents killing their Autistic children. Why?

Now I’m not one to simply say it’s just an increase in occurrence, just like I’m not one to believe that “compassion murders” haven’t happened before now. They always have happened but the reported frequency has been increasing in recent years. I would like to say this is because we have more awareness of this insidious behavior but the responses that have always been the same from the ableist, typical, non-disability crowd have proved otherwise. That is overwhelming compassion for the murder(s) because they had it hard as a parent or caregiver. Nevermind the fact that the disabled person is the victim of abled egoism and homicide! Oh, think of the horror to perish at the hands of the only person you trust on the planet! The general public romanticizes unsolicited mercy killings, but at what cost?

In a very tongue in cheek way, I am going to say it’s my Autistic Empathy that reasons that when a person engages in consenting acts of sex with the intent to reproduce, the lack of concern if they are to conceive offspring because they feel that they are ready to be parents or even just accepting you are pregnant and choose to keep the pregnancy, you enter a covenant with the child/ren that you have conceived (or adopted in some cases). It’s an eternal agreement with nature and whatever higher power you may believe in, whether moral, ethical, the universe, or religion, that you help that child thrive. In times where the child is born disabled, it’s a covenant that we all should honor until we leave this Earth.

We have an entire section of society that frowns on terminating viable pregnancies even if there is a disability found prior to birth, however, this pro-life outrage is often absent in the wake of a mercy killing. If one is not for terminating a pregnancy on the basis that it is still a human why are we okay with killing a postnatal 10-year-old with a disability? The answer is simple and can be explained with the boiled frog metaphor.

A “Cliff Note Explanation” for those who did not click the link! There is a myth, or fable if you prefer, that if you put a frog into a pot of hot water then that frog will jump, fight, and try to flee for its life but you put a frog in a pot of frog friendly tempered water and gradually heat it up the frog will allow itself to be cooked to death.

This is exactly what is happening with society in regard to mercy killings! We relate and feel bad for the first one we heard that made national news, often it’s a romantic expose on a husband that killed his wife “out of love” and not being able “to see her suffer”. The next one, well, it’s not as bad as the first or it may be worse than the first, either way, you reason, they were under stress as well and people act out of character under stress. You understand how someone would kill an adult child that was afflicted such as theirs was. The disabled adult is in a better place now. Soon, we learn of another carer snapping under duress and murdering a loved one, a child, and we feel for them, relate, empathize. You reason that the other two were acceptable and so this is as well. You can see yourself in their position and your heart aches for them, that they had to make that decision.

Years, go by and we keep hearing of these heart wrenching decisions. All of the abled society deems it necessary that these are acceptable murders that should be forgiven. You’re consider yourself pro-life and against abortion and assisted suicide but thoughts turn to the disabled in your own family. The last time you attended a March for *Insert Hypocritical Cause Here* or convention your Autistic child made it impossible to be there. They were clearly in extreme distress and you just “can’t watch them suffer anymore”. Instead of doing what is rational and logical in the name of love which is adapting to them being in your life by adjusting your lifestyle to enable them to thrive, your mind turns to murder for mercy. You’re a martyr in your plight and God and society would understand! You focus on your perception of quality life, you don’t consider that this person, this human that loves you and trusts you to cherish them and help them live may not even perceive themselves as in need of death to escape. All they know is that when you enter the room their heart soars. 

I will end this entry there because without saying the people that have allowed themselves to be peer pressured into seeing the murder of the disabled as acceptable are incorrigible monsters. We may have a disability but at least we aren’t morally inept.

Until Death Do Us Part may we all join hands and enable each and every human to survive regardless of life circumstances.

Extreme Stims During An Autistic Meltdown!

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Most would agree that the Autistic Meltdown is the most notorious symptom related to Autism. An Autistic Meltdown is when the Autistic Nervous System reacts to being overwhelmed by environmental stimulation. These can range from external reasons (such as bright light) to internal ones (such as panic when plans change abruptly). Often this reaction manifests in an apparent display of intense feelings. Passion, Rage, or Overly Silly and Giggly. Meltdowns manifest in many ways. Which makes sense because humans overall are creatures with feelings and our emotions lead to their display. As with NeuroTypicals, the NeuroDivergent comes in a plethora of variations.

When Melting Down the Autistic Nervous System is being overstimulated and is interpreting that overstimulation as pain. It will do whatever it can in order to stop that pain. This is where Extreme Stimming comes into play.

During an intense Autistic Meltdown, Autistics both young, old, male, and female may engage in Extreme Stims commonly referred to as Self Injurious Behavior (SIB). I prefer the term Extreme Stim because the stimming isn’t intended to cause injury or harm. It’s meant to flip the figurative kill switch and bring you out of fight or flight mode. When Melting Down the Autistic Nervous System is being overstimulated and is interpreting that overstimulation as pain. It will do whatever it can in order to stop that pain. This is where Extreme Stimming comes into play.

I’ll explain but first I’m going to explain it to you in a smaller, more understandable, and way more relatable, way. I’ll use baseball as a life reference. 

Baseball in and of itself is a painful experience and I’m pretty sure most people were unreasonably forced to play baseball (or some form of sports that included a ball in school). When you or someone else was hit by the ball either you’d instinctively rub the area or your gym teacher or another kid would tell you to rub the injury and rubbing where the ball hit would surprisingly help the pain even though it makes no sense at all, or does it?

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In a nutshell when you get hit by a ball the signal that you were hit by the ball travels up the nervous system to your brain. The brain sends signals back and produces pain. When you gently stimulate the injury by rubbing, shaking, or “walking it off” it sends a signal up the same nerves and interrupts the nervous system process and signals from the pain and this helps make it feel better.

The same thing goes for the nervous system pain during an Autistic Meltdown. As I said before during a Meltdown the Autistic Nervous System interprets overstimulation as pain and reacted as though it’s on fire. It panics and senses impending doom. (I’m not being overly dramatic this is how an Autistic Meltdown feels psychologically and you can’t control it at will, you just go along with it because you have no choice!) In response, the nervous system does the only universally wide instinctive thing that we all share. It seeks out and applies stimulation that will stop that pain. Since the nervous system is on fire and in panic it seeks out stimuli that are more extreme than the environmental assault the Autistic Person is going through. Head hitting, screaming, rocking, head banging, pulling hair, stabbing oneself, etc. are all ways that this can be done. These extreme stims help calm the nervous system by stopping the pain with alternative simulation very much like rubbing an injury.

Extreme Stims also provide enough stimulation that activates the Endorphin System which is the body’s natural pain killer. There are many studies on Endorphins and Autism including evidence that Autistic’s naturally have Endorphin Deficiencies. Which would explain why our nervous systems panic in the first place! That’s for another article though.

Helpful Hints:

If you, or someone you know, experience Extreme Stims that are dangerous, potentially dangerous, or life-threatening you can learn replacement activities that will produce the same neurological reaction when applied when you are still in the rumbling stage and still maintain control over yourself. Replacement Stims may or may not prevent or lessen a Meltdown overall. If you have the opportunity please consult an Occupational Therapist or other Expert in Sensory Input.

You will want to focus on things that get your endorphins flowing. I have had luck with running and sprinting. (If you do take your stimming outdoors make sure you take a sedative that will calm you but not put you to sleep just in case you do sense a loss of control approaching while out but it’s even better if you have someone with you. I suggest both. These are precautions in case you encounter negative attention.) Throwing soft objects. Rocking. Pounding my legs with my fists (up to hard enough to bruise but not so hard as to cause swelling). Vigorously shaking my hands. Pacing. Sex. Jumping and coming down with force. Slapping a firm surface with an open palm. Applying pressure to my temporal nerve until uncomfortable. Hot shower. Basically, anything that may overwhelm the environmental overstimulation and produce Endorphins with little to no injury is the best. If you can match it up with the type of sensory input you crave, even better! Do this from the beginning of rumbling and throughout the Meltdown. I wish you luck!

One of My Autism Theories

What causes Autism? It’s the question of the millennium in many communities. From simply curious Autistics to the pro cure (eugenics) crowd the question is ever present. Why is this so important? Because many of us believe that we are just a natural variation of human DNA and therefore are normal in our own right. Meaning, we don’t need a cure but the only way to prove that is to find out why Autism happens. I’m going to explore one of my theories in this post that I believe may be an element to unlocking the mystery of why Autistics exist. 

The first thing most of us learn in life is that coincidence, correlation, and causation do not need to coexist and there are a slew of variables, X factor’s, if you will, that we may not know about. Yes, Autism can show up around the time the first vaccinations are administered yet Autism can also show up before vaccinations, after vaccinations, or in children who never have been vaccinated. Study after study has disproven the Autism Vaccination Myth and if that isn’t enough to convince you the fact that the doctor that made this claim retracted everything should. We can dismiss this and should. So what, you may ask, if not vaccinations? 

There is an observation that I have made that may explain Autism and it’s increased prevalence in our modern times and that’s modern times in and of itself. We see a study increase in Autism with the continuously growing population and the more technicalogically advanced we become as a society. I believe that this is happening as a natural reaction within humans due to overstimulation and lack of sensory input that we used to be accustomed to. 

The increase in the human population has left us with increasingly less and less individual room. We have a decrease in personal space with every birth, housing unit going up, resqued life, recovered illness out space decreases. Micro units and homes are becoming an ideal in many over populated cities because we have run out of space for us to comfortably have our own homes as we did in decades past. As a result we aren’t able to take times away to process and decompress our bodies and relieve the Neurological irritation that overpopulation comes with. This may have an effect on the Neurological System causing an over response in an attempt to protect itself. It’s a reaction to the perceived threat. 

In genetics we see generational fears appear in familial units. There was an experiment with rats where they conditioned rats to fear the smell of Cherry Blossoms by associating the scent with electrical shock. The rats then became fearful of the scent as it now represented pain to them. When the scientists bread the rats the adult offspring were scared of the smell of Cherry Blossoms despite the fact they had no prior experience with the scent. This is a good indicator that neurological reactions to any overstimilation may be passed down the generations. 

When we have all these phobias converge into one Neurological System it can cause genetically based general adaptation diversities and Autistic tendencies. Since Autism is a Spectrum with many unique and varied aspects we may have some humans not present with any Autistic traits until the genetic line is triggered by things such as overpopulation, lack of personal space, noise, and any other triggers that may be an issue to that specific genetic line. 

When humanity’s population started rapidly increasing as it has in Earth’s recent history more genetic lines have been being prompted to react. This would explain Autistic familial units as well as the unexpected Autistic child/children being born into Neurotypical families. However with the increase in population there also comes an increase in technology in order to serve more humans efficiently.

The advancement of technology often results in a reduction in humans having their sensory needs met. When it comes to history humans have had to till, plant, harvest, chop, boil, smell, feel, and experience the sensory that comes with life. Even an introvert that did not do these things would experience a richer sensory environment than one does now. 

We used to walk to a library while being out where birds chirped, wind blew, and the sun warmed you. Then browsing the nice neat stacks and rows of books. Pulling them out of place and feeling the book. Opening it and hearing the spine protesting as you spread the pages. The smell of the book and the neat lines of script that would cause stories to dance in your head as you found escape. But now, even the most book wormish of humans do not always get the rich sensory experience that we did a half a century ago. 

Many humans do not go to the library but read digital books on their computer, phone, or tablet. While technology comes with it’s boons it also lacks the sensory input that humans need to cope with the reduction in alone time and the crowding with increased population. 

For example if there was an Autistic in a crowded metropolitan area a century ago he or she may have completely flown under the radar because they had the sensory input that balanced out the overstimulation. If you took the same Autistic and put them into modern day America they may be more Autistic because of the reduction in sensory needs being met and the increased overstimulation from the surrounding environment. 

Keep in mind reduction in sensory and lack of area for personal use isn’t the only issue. We now have digital technology. We have beeps, blips, digital noises, the everpresent electrical hum, LED’s, blue light from everything, the list just goes on and on. Even when outdoors we are connected to artificial stimulation that is constantly bombarding our brains. 

We may be seeing an increase and a boom in Autism occurrences because the life humans have created for themselves is bringing about the protective genetic reaction that is programmed into their DNA. It was always there, it’s normal, natural. It’s a step in human adaptation that is a response to the progression of mankind. Not everyone has the genetic possibility of Neurodiversity but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t normal we are just a fragment of the vast spectrum that is the human species. 

However, this is only one of my theories I have entertained regarding the in’s and outs of the causes of Autism. I think there may be something to it. 

Sensory and/or Meltdown Room for Adults: Part 2: Disability Accommodation/Modification Requests


I apologize for taking so long to get this second part out about the Sensory rooms! I have been valiantly battling a horrid Kidney Infection. Illness can have a greater effect on Autistic’s because the sensory stimulation from pain, fever, etc. and it can overwhelm the system and make them less like themselves than if, for example, a Neurotypical had the same level of illness. In an eggshell, a scratch can feel like a gaping wound. That is not what this article is about though! 


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This is the second article on Adult Sensory rooms! Last time we talked about picking colors that were soothing to our particular nervous systems needs. No two people are alike and therefore no two Autistics are alike. As a result, all of us are in different living arrangements. Some of you live with family, some of us rent, some of us own our own home. 

If you are blessed to own your own home and you have a spare room or area to turn into a sensory area you are lucky! You don’t need your appeal for accommodation to be met or approved by anyone but yourself and/or your spouse. For the rest of us, we have Parents and Landlords to respect. If you live with parents, or other family members, sit down and speak to them about what is available as a sensory area. As for this article, I am focusing on what to do if you are renting an apartment because my husband and I live in an apartment. 

Since my husband and I live in an apartment we can’t do much as far as changing the structure of a room without physical needs such as a wheelchair but we can do plenty as far as changing the aesthetic of the room to create a relaxing sensory room or a place to de-escalate a meltdown. In order to do this, we need to ask the landlord for some Reasonable Disability Accommodations/Modifications. 

List everything you need to do to make your area more accommodating because it all needs to go in a letter!

The first thing we need to do is decide what we need to do to make the area calming and make a list. Keep in mind these are requests to do these and cover them out of your own pocket of they are modifications and accommodations are at the expense of the landlord from what I understand. Do you want a different paint than what came with the apartment so it’s more soothing? My husband and I would like to do the area in Greys. Would you like to have a light fixture switched from a florescent bulb to a LED so you don’t get a headache? (The landlord should cover an expense like this but if he doesn’t make sure you can cover the cost of an electrician and/or fixture in case they won’t cover it or let you have maintenance help you switch it out.) Do you need to have noise restrictions loosened in case of a meltdown so a complaint doesn’t get you kicked out? Put that on the list too! If you desire a different mode of communication aside from speaking on the phone or in-person then that should be included as well. List everything you need to do to make your area more accommodating because it all needs to go in a letter! It’s easier to make a list to take with you to write a letter than going back and forth and trying to remember what you need. This way you don’t miss anything. 

Now from what I understand requests don’t need to be in letter form and can be made and granted in person with an oral agreement. However, life has taught me that paper trails are an Autistics best friend. It is always good to get things in writing to protect yourself in the future. If for some reason problems arise you need to be able to defend yourself. Having a letter of request and a letter granting the request is a good way to do this. (First, call your housing management and ask if they have specific forms they would prefer you to use before writing a letter so you don’t run into frustration having to backtrack and do it over with their forms.) You can send this by email if it’s to an official email address that is linked to the Apartments Management if that is not an option make sure you send it certified snail mail with a signature request so you can prove they received it. Anything in which you can prove that you sent it will work. (If you have official forms from your Landlord then copy those before and after you fill them out. Before so in case you mess up you have spares, after so you have a record.)

It’s understandable that you may not want to disclose that your Autistic to your Landlord due to the risk of discrimination so you may want to use an umbrella term to describe your accommodation needs. When I spoke to the property management company that owns my building I used the term Neurological Condition and Sensory Processing Disorder. You may also use the term Asperger’s is you so choose. Asperger’s is trendy and, sadly, it may be more accepted than straight-up Autism. I understand that Asperger’s has controversial origins and I agree with filtering the term out of Autism discourse however this isn’t the time to make an issue of that. You will have plenty of time to educate everyone once you have gotten to know them better. We are focusing on requesting accommodations in a way that you feel safe and secure. (Keep in mind if you do say Autistic then you are still covered against discrimination but this is about your sense of well being.)

I wrote a Sample Accommodation/Modification Request Letter however there are probably far better examples on the internet than I am able to provide, please, feel free to look them up. You may want to request in the letter that they respond in writing as well whether an email or a return letter in the mail. 

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When you have written your letter print two, one for your records, and the other to take it into your Doctor or other Health Care Professional and ask them to write a letter confirming and verifying your request. This is your letter of support that you will be turning into your landlord with your letter or request forms. Your medical professionals do not need to disclose any medical information that is not part of the request so, if you need to paint in a calming color that isn’t as bright to your eyes as white, that is what they need to focus on. What they do not need is information about things that do not pertain to the request. So if you are, for example, HIV positive or Diabetic the Management doesn’t need to be informed if your requests do not to pertain to these conditions. HIPPA does matter! Your privacy matters.

Make a certified copy of the Doctor’s letter (a notary public can do this, many banks have them for free) or have him write two copies so you have a copy for your own records with his signature (it’s always good to have backups). If you are mailing it then put the letter/forms, signed with a pen, put it, and a copy (duplicate or notarized copy) of your Doctor’s letter in a business-size envelope. Fill it out like your normally would and take it to the Post Office. Tell them you need to send it Certified Mail with a Signature on Delivery. Keep any receipts as proof and so you can track it.

If you are sending an email then scan the letter or forms into your computer. (I do not doubt you know this however sometimes I get overwhelmed to the point I do not think of the trees in the forest and I just see the problem. I am simplifying for ease for those that read this in a time of high stress and require a higher level of support.) Write your request letter in the email. Attach the scan of the Doctor’s Letter. Send. Make sure you don’t delete your sent mail so you can prove that you did in fact send it. 

Keep in mind you shouldn’t start on any accommodations or modifications until you have the go-ahead from your Landlord. If in a letter or email save it for your records. In case there is reason to believe that the Landlord will contact you by phone to grant permission or deny your request then put a call recorder app on your phone if it doesn’t come with one pre-loaded. That way you still have proof of permission or denial. As I said I’m a big fan of evidence trails! 

*If you do not live in the United States such as a US territory or another country then check with the local authority on regulations for disabled renters.

Accommodation Request Letter Example

[Your Name]

[Your Address]

[Your Address]

[Your Phone Number]

[Your E-Mail]

[Property Management Name]

[Property Management Address]

[Property Management Address]

[Date]

Dear [Contacts Name], 

I am a qualified individual with a disability, as defined by the Fair Housing Amendments Act of 1988. I have a disability that causes the following limitations [List the limitations that you have that would benefit from the accommodations/modifications you are requesting, Examples: Sensory Processing Disorder, Overstimulation, etc.].

I am requesting the following accommodations to meet my needs [List the accommodations that you are requesting. Examples: permission to paint a room or the apartment in a more calming color, to switch a light fixture or fixtures, inset blackout shades, etc.]. These would greatly assist me with [Tell them how these accommodations would assist you with the limitations listed in paragraph one.].

I am requesting this accommodation so that I will have an equal opportunity to participate in your housing. HUD’s Office of Fair Housing and Equality Opportunity policy on Reasonable Accommodations and Modifications states that: “Federal nondiscrimination laws require housing providers to grant requests for reasonable accommodations and modifications in housing, programs, and activities.”

I have attached a letter from [Name and professional title of the person or persons. Example: Dr. Smith, MD.) that supports this request. Please reply to this letter in writing within ten business days. 

Thank you, 

[Leave this blank to sign.] 

[your name] 

My Coming into Autism Story

They are sorely short on Autism pics so you get this!

Like all Autistics, I have never fit in. Ever. I can fake it pretty well but something is missing that prevents me from bonding with others. A few hangouts or dates and they usually bail leaving me in the wake of “What the hell did I do this time?” I knew it wasn’t me as I always intended the best for everyone, I tried so hard to click. It never worked with females (the term was chosen because it doesn’t denote solely those assigned female at birth) but I was better at being friends with males. Which, as a married woman, complicates things. So I just remain lonely and for the most part friendless.

I have separate Medical/Psych records that note my lack of eye contact, reduced facial expression, and several other Autistic tells that no one was able to hear. If Autism Speaks why then did no one hear it for 37 or so years. Simply it’s due to people not wanting to hear it. I even walked 2 miles to the ER to try to get help for what I assumed was PTSD and was told that I was the problem. I have some strong words for that but I’ll not mention them. I tried to tell them that I was about to have an episode in which I would not be able to prevent myself from hitting my head. Still. Nothing. 

In 2017 I joined forces with my Husband and his Nephew who was itching to start an online Church. We were sick of the crap that was getting pumped out into the World after Trump was crowned King and we decided to fight the good fight. I was chosen as the face because, well, I’m attractive compared to them I guess. About 4 sermons into the formation of said Congregation I started to have a huge, monumentally huge, panic attack. I had one person watching at the time and I knew who it was. I was prepared. I was safe. Medicated for Anxiety. By all means, I was not in a position to have a panic attack from PTSD. This isn’t my Modus Operandi. I felt sheer dread, I was rumbling and about to Meltdown. The next weekend I couldn’t even turn on the computer. I was experiencing a Shutdown, a term I wouldn’t be familiar with for some time. Something was up that was far beyond anything that could be Therapized out of me and I was certain I knew what was going on. I had realized that I had had Meltdowns before.

That week I told my Therapist what had been going on and asked her something I had suspected since 2010. My nephew is Autistic and I think I’m Autistic as well, what do you think? 

Her reply was, “I have noticed some things but if you are you can’t be very Autistic. Just a little bit, if anything. Do you know Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory?” 

Me, “Of course that’s my favorite show! I’m not as social as him though. I don’t even have as many friends as he does.” 

Therapist, “Exactly, he wouldn’t be either if he was Autistic in real life. He’d never be married or have that many friends.” 

My awesomeness, “Do you know who could assess me?!” 

Therapist, “No”.

I left with Sheldon wouldn’t be as functional and neither would you but she agreed that I should be assessed.

The search for someone to diagnose me was in my hands because it’s incredibly difficult to find someone that will do an adult Dx and I hate talking on the phone, so, naturally! They make it as hard as possible for those whose parents didn’t bother to look into why their kid was weird! The lack of consideration and respect for me as an Autistic was front and center. Thankfully my IQ is high so I was able to find someone in an efficient timeframe. (Anyway, that is what a Psych would tell me.) 

I found a place that would take my insurance and assessed adults. It was a Godsend having the entire bill covered through our insurance and I feel so blessed because of that. Seriously, that never happens! But my state passed a law that increased the accessibility of Autism services to those who needed them. So I made an appointment. 

(Please note that if I had not been awarded SSI and been put on Medicaid I would not have been able to afford the 850.00 bill for the assessment even with my husband’s insurance. I’m not privileged, I’m disabled.)

It was in the middle of the Christmas season in 2017 that my first half of a 4-hour assessment was scheduled. When we got there I spilled my coffee and felt horrible.

She looked at me and said “Most of the time when someone your age comes in looking for an Autism diagnosis it’s because they have a family member that was diagnosed and/or they have done extensive research themselves and already know that they are Autistic. Tell me why you suspect you are Autistic.” 

I let it all out. I walk on my toes! The notes in several medical files that say I can’t make eye contact. The times I have tried again and again to make friends. My laughing at (it was really with but I didn’t know she wasn’t laughing) a friend in pain. I didn’t know she was in pain. To me, it sounded like she was doubled over in laughter. I still cringe over this!

Fun Fact: In the middle of my assessment my Doctor looked at my husband and said that she thinks he needs to be assessed next. A year later he received his Autism Dx!

I relayed to my assessing Psych how I would misread faces. To me, someone suppressing laughter and someone being angry, at times, can look the same. There’s the embarrassment when people walk away mid-sentence or conversation because I took too long to process the information and produce an answer. I was insanely quiet. Always assumed to be shy. (Once you get to know me though you can’t get me to shut up!) The one that took it though was that I didn’t speak until I was four. Four! Again, I ask, how was this missed!

After the first session, I was exhausted. It was Christmas and Christmas is hard on me when it comes to overstimulation. I melted down that night because of the 2 hours of assessment and all the Christmas cheer that was forced onto my nervous system in Walmart. I almost canceled the whole thing out of doubt but I went back for my second session anyway. 

I wanted to hide, the coffee stain was still there, I obsessed about it. This time she ran me through a battery of puzzles, simple math equations, memory exercises, and other tests. I found out that if I don’t have to think about the mathematical formulations that I can make an educated guess and guess the solution accurately. I have incredible lingual abilities which were probably learned out of the desperate need to communicate effectively. (It didn’t work. Being more proficient with words just makes people think I’m a snob and know it all. I’m not. I just want to connect.) I was able to logically deduce people’s state of mind even though I can’t intuitively pick up on things. (Ex: Crossed arms means someone is guarded, mad, or cold and I can analyze and extrapolate information from clues. Not always correctly.)

When I came back for the results she told me Autism was exactly what was going on! Oh! I was so happy but I didn’t show it because I don’t show my empathy outwardly as much as Neurotypicals even though I have plenty of empathy for people. I have a great IQ, which is what the second session was about. She explained that the IQ test was simply to rule out any other conditions that may give the appearance of Autism such as an intellectual disability, which I did not have, I was quite intelligent. I am a bit slower at learning but I also retain more information and in the long run can learn things better and more accurately than others therefore can carry out a job more completely and satisfactorily in comparison to my NT peers. (Even if it’s annoyingly accurate because I have problems deviating from what I’m taught and what I’m used to.)

In the end, I was given a Level 1 Autism diagnosis which used to be called Asperger’s. It gave me answers upon answers. Look no one wants to hit their head it’s messed up but I had a reason as to why I hit my head. Why is this?

It was because I was Autistic. I am okay with that.

Autism Meltdown Harm Reduction Technique #1

Hi, I’m BeautiDivergent and I’m a 40 year old Autistic Woman. Let me tell you that being on the Autism Spectrum comes with plenty of quirky cravings and habits. To no ones surprise many of these come out during the Neurological Phenomena commonly referred to as a “Meltdown”. Here I am sharing a trick I taught myself when I’m in the middle of a Neurological Event and feel the overwhelming instinct (because that is what it is) to throw things. This works for just about any age group.

These are just regular Wool Dryer Balls that you can pick up at almost any store. The original purpose of these balls are to be tossed into the dryer to fluff clothing in place of dryer sheets. They are soft and as you will see they won’t do any damage to this canvas map that I have hanging in my kitchen. (Please, do keep in mind I am a 5’2″ woman and probably don’t have the same arm muscle as a 6’5″ man. I may not damage the canvas but someone bigger might. There’s your disclaimer.)

While these may not do damage to this canvas they may cause a vase or a shelf to knock over and break so making an area for them to be thrown at or an area to be thrown in is a wise choice. Remember during a “Autistic Event” (Meltdown) Safety should be the primary focus. It’s best to be prepared and have “Meltdown” friendly areas in the home for when they do appear. These however are one of the best replacement activities when my system craves the input to throw something that I have found that work for me.

Sensory and/or Meltdown Room for Adults: Part 1: Color Choice

A sample of calming colors we have found at local home improvement stores.

When creating a Sensory/Meltdown Room for an Adult it may come as a surprise but the first consideration you should make is color choice. During a Sensory Session you don’t want the colors in your room to irritate anxiety or set off a Meltdown. If you also use the room for a safe space for Meltdowns then you don’t want the color combination to make the Meltdown worse. So we are going to go over the bad, good, and great color options for a Sensory/Meltdown Room. Trust me, you want to pick the color options first that way you can build your safe haven from the World around them and make your room a better place to seek refuge in. It will create a cohesive and streamlined room that will assist in maintaining your Autistic Nervous System. 

You know you better than I know you or your doctor’s or parents or anyone else. So if this room is for you, you choose the colors that bring you peace and joy. Calming hues and tones that don’t aggravate your sensory sensitivity and shades that put you at ease are best. This is a purely subjective matter so do not let someone tell you what you should pick, you pick what works for you! If you are going to be sharing the room with other Autistics, like I will be sharing mine with my spouse, you need to agree on a base color that you both unanimously find peaceful. I will discuss this more a little later. 

Ocean Colors are calming and natural.

In general the worst colors to have and ones to stay away from when planning a Sensory/Meltdown Room are bright colors that stimulate the nervous system in an overwhelming stimulatory way. Colors that are known to excite, arouse, and agitate the nervous system are vibrant and bright Reds, intense and vivid Yellows, Fluorescent colors, brilliant Blues, bright whites, and other colors that would get the heart and blood pumping. This is the exact opposite of what we want to do, what we want to do is to choose colors that bring down blood pressure and put us in a place of relaxation. Even though many “Autism Friendly” rooms and sensory spaces are brightly colored they are designed by Neurotypical people who are judging what they assume Neurotypical children like. This is not the case with Autistics as many of us see colors more vibrantly and sometimes they come off as being way too intense. First we are not NT and second, we are not children. What is good for an NT isn’t always preferred by Autistic people, especially us Adults. If you like these color’s that’s fine, try to keep them outside of your Sensory/Meltdown spaces and even your bedroom. Even if they don’t bother you normally they may be too much to handle during the Autistic Neurological Event commonly known as a Meltdown

You may also wish to stay away from warm color combinations such as Spice, Golds, Burnt Orange, Coppers, etc. These, while not as stimulating as the colors mentioned above, can be stimulating to the point of being counter productive in your calming goal and again they may be calming to you now but they may not be calming in a full blown meltdown. Keep these colors in the Kitchen or Breakfast Nook where they will be more useful at waking you up in the morning. However, they may be used as accents if you desire to do so. A couple of examples are pairing a Blushing Pink tone with a Darker Grey or a Deep Warm Chocolate Brown with a soft understated blue in order to balance out the warmth of the color. 

if using warm colors, keep them as accent colors in order to keep the room calm.

I did a poll via Survey Monkey, it was a small sample, however it was from the Autistic Community. The top colors that were preferred were Greys and Purples. These colors seem to bring the most calming effect. Followed by Greens, Blues, and a blend of Neutrals, Blues and Greens. The survey also revealed that the majority prefer Monochromatic (meaning the same color) but different tones of the same color. So if you were to pick a Dark Blue Grey then you would also have a light Blue Grey and possibly a Neutral Grey. This technique gives depth throughout the room and can help separate the room into functional stations if that is something you wish to do. I will address this in another article. 

As far as a shared Sensory/Meltdown Room goes you will want to collaborate with the people you will be sharing it with. Whether it’s your spouse, kids, or the whole family. Usually I would say to include everyone in the home but this room is specific to Autism so the Autistic’s in the house get to make the decision on the primary base color of the room. My husband and I chose Dark Grey and an assortment of lighter Blue Greys. We are thinking about a deep Charcoal Grey as an accent color mainly because foam cubes are common in that color. 

Once you figure out your color palette choose your wall color. Before you paint remember to: 

  1. Ask your landlord, if you have one, for disability accommodations due to Autism. Explain to them how you need a certain environment to thrive in and that painting is in both their and your best interest as it will have a positive effect on your medical condition. Have a doctor’s recommendation if you can get one to back your claims. 
  2. Remove all curtain rods, nails, screws, etc. from walls except from the outlet covers. Fill in the holes with spackle and sand them until they are flat. You will be painting over them. This will make sense later when we go over the safety proofing part of the Sensory/Meltdown Room segment. 
  3. If your executive function is not up to par to do this yourself don’t be afraid to ask someone for help. We are trying to improve our lives in order to live better ones. It’s okay to ask for help to be able to get to that point. 

You will want most of your walls painted the same color. If you want to make your room to feel small then paint all four walls in the same color as well as the ceiling. If you desire to make the room feel larger there are painting tricks to do this as well. Here is a link that explains how to paint a room to get the effect you want https://www.thespruce.com/paint-colors-change-feeling-of-a-room-1835371

You do not have to worry about painting on your own right now. I am only bringing this up so you can do a little planning ahead if you so wish. I will be demonstrating what to do when painting and how to do it in a YouTube video in the future. Right now just focus on the color’s that you want. Painting can be a bit pricey and a big job. In order to not become overwhelmed focus on color choices first. If you can, save up for the supplies that you will need. Don’t worry about time limit as you can always watch the video over again.

If you have a room available just for the purpose of a Sensory/Meltdown Room while you’re waiting for the painting tutorial you can clean the room out, wipe down the walls, remove nails, etc. in preparation. 

This article was just about paint choice so focus on that first and have fun with it. This is for you! 

If you do not have a room set aside for this stay tuned and I will give you tips, tricks, and ideas on how to set aside an area in your house to use specifically for a sensory friendly corner. 

Until then go to different home improvement stores and see what is available to you and what kind of paint you can afford. Collect color samples that you might like your room to be and think them over. Choose the ones that bring you the most joy!

The Autistic Meltdown: A Metaphor

Imagine you’re a Bull, a happy, well mannered Bull. One day the Rancher comes out to lead you to a trailer. You don’t know where you are going but he’s the Rancher and you don’t really have a choice so you happily go along. You go to a place you’ve never been before, you’ve heard it called it a Rodeo! 

You are placed in a pen by the Rancher and tended to by people you don’t know. You may recognize a face or two but for the most part you’ve never been around these people. Their faces are difficult to make out, you don’t know them. Strange place. Strange people. Then someone comes and puts a band around your midsection, painfully tight, squeezing. It feels as if someone slipped burrs under the fabric. You squirm. It’s extremely uncomfortable. Suddenly. It gets loud! 

You can hear cheering! It’s a crowd and the sound is deafening, disorienting. They are laughing and pointing at you. Not long after a Clown appears running around taunting you, laughing in your face. His visage is painted in bright contrasting colors and you can’t tell if he is a good Clown or a bad Clown. You become distressed. What is happening?!  

It’s hot and you’re panicking and you try to get away! You try to alert the people near you but they don’t understand. They don’t speak your language and you don’t speak theirs. You try to communicate your needs but fail trying. No one is going to help you! You look around you for an escape. You’re frantic, the tension is building up within! A feeling of impending doom wells up from inside you.

Your fight or flight takes over. It’s all instinct now!

Suddenly, to your horror a man gets on your back and you break. Your fight or flight takes over. It’s all instinct now! You’re terrified! 

You try to escape the horror of what is happening to you! You buck and spin to try to stop the onslaught of the painful sensory stimuli. Instead of freeing you and leading you to safety, the man on your back digs spurs into your sides inflicting more discomfort and more suffering. All you want to do is escape! Get away! 

Your entire focus now is to flee the area and find relief! Your nervous system takes over and you are no longer in control of your body. You are compelled to react by the force of survival, the need to escape certain death. Against your will you buck, spin, jump, run in a frenzied effort to dislodge the man on your back to escape the dreadful anguish you have find yourself enduring. Against your will you accidentally injure yourself! You didn’t mean to hurt yourself but you did. It hurts but you can’t stop! You have to free yourself! It’s a nightmare that seems to last for eternity…

Except. You aren’t a Bull. You are a Human. An Autistic. You may be a child, adult, male, female, trans, intersex, young, old, middle aged, with high or low support needs. You might be an islander, black, white, middle eastern, or a mix of everything. You might be independent with a job or living with your family. You may even reside in a group home. The “Rancher” isn’t a rancher at all but instead they may be a parent, partner, guardian, friend, cop, teacher. Anyone you know. Anyone you trust.

The “Rodeo” is simply a place where there are people you do not know, do not know very well or trust much. A Doctor’s office, a School field trip to the Zoo, the Dentist, a Mall, the Park or even simply Work. It may even be your own home and people are visiting unexpectedly or maintenance is working in your apartment.

You started out the day okay enough yet something’s off. Your clothes get tight, uncomfortably snug almost painful. The feeling of them is tight and you squirm attempting to relieve some of the pressure. You’re burning. Hot. You want to remove your clothes but it’s not acceptable to do that here and now. Somehow a pebble got into your shoe and you can’t do anything about it. The pebble digs in and rubs your skin raw. That’s all you can focus on. The pebble keeps getting bigger and bigger. Your foot aches, then your leg. Then, suddenly it’s loud, you hear everything!

The buzz of the electricity overhead. No, it’s all around you! The chorus of human voices surrounding you. A roar of incoherent voices in a never ending clamor. The clinking of metal, pens writing, humans scratching, sniffling noses, the gurgling drinking fountain. Someone laughing loudly. Too loudly. Were they laughing at you? You can’t tell. Is that man furiously mad at someone or is he exuberantly happy, why? Is the woman at the desk upset? Is she frowning at you? Your own heartbeat and breathing sound thunderous. It’s all so disorienting and you don’t know exactly where you are in location to an exit. You don’t know how to leave or if you can leave! 

You hear some people singing Happy Birthday and then applause. Someone points at you, smiling. He’s saying something but you can’t focus. You become distressed. You try to explain what’s going on but he doesn’t understand what you are trying to tell him. You clamor for his attention again to ask for help but you can’t comprehend what he’s saying. He holds out… what? Cake?! You can’t put an answer together. You panic! No one understands what is about to happen. A wild energy rises up internally. A build up of anxiety in a reaction to the situation around you. It all is about to come out!

You try to get out but you can’t. You are met with obstacles, people, chairs. Lights get bright, blinding you! Like a bat trying to escape a noisy room the assault on your auditory throws your balance off. You bump into things. Your mind racing, you feel a sense of impending doom enveloping you. The assault on your nervous system is anguishing. You bolt! 

All you want to do is escape!

Sensory overload is coming in from all directions inflicting more and more and more. All you want to do is escape! 

Instinctively. Your entire focus now is to find relief any possible way you can. Your nervous system takes over and you are no longer in control of your body. Very much the same way that the body forces you to breathe when holding your breath underwater. You are compelled to react by the force of survival in an audacious move to escape a fate worse than death! Like a seizure you have no agency over yourself. And it’s terrifying! 

Your nervous system is stuck in fight or flight. You can only react. You yell, scream, pull your hair, stomp your feet, throw things! All your efforts are sensory needs seeking to be met. Searching out input and stimulation to bring harmony back to your internal anatomy. You’re desperate, crying! You are stuck in an eternity of frenzied horror and can’t escape. Panic! You’re dreadfully helpless as you watch your body do what it needs to in order to stop itself from reacting to the overstimulation of your environment. You can’t stop it.

A tenacious impulse comes on. One you try desperately to ignore, you tell yourself to keep yourself together but you are helplessly subjected to nature and to instinct. It’s overwhelming! Impossible to overlook! You don’t want to do harm to your body but you unintentionally injure yourself as you hit your head with your fists, bang your head against a wall. All against your will. It’s your Nervous System. 

Finally it stops! A wave of relief washes over you. You feel yourself calming. Your heartbeat slows. You cry. The noise level is more bearable. The energy that had been in control of your body is waning. Compliant, your Nervous System has balanced itself and has handed the agency of your being back over to you. The headbanging and extreme stimming worked even though it was not your choice. You’re exhausted and all you want to do is quench your thirst. Sit in a hot shower. Then climb into bed. You can’t fully communicate yet. You write down enough to tell someone to get you out of there and that you need to go home. You’re free!

You don’t know what impact this Neurological Event, commonly referred to as a Meltdown, will have on your friendships, job, social standing, and life in general. It’s happened before and it will happen again. The fallout won’t be good. At best, it will just be something that happened! As it should be. You just have to pick up the pieces later. For now your focus is self care. Your needs are very basic.

You get home. Assess your injuries. Tend to your wounds. Hydrate, maybe eat something simple. You take a warm bath or hot shower and calmly stim. Your spouse, friend, mom, dad, maybe all of these people, help. For some of us maybe no people help because you know you’re safe now and you just want to be alone, at peace. You crawl into bed and you shut down. 

Once again you were on full display at a Rodeo. A fearful bull bucking in pain. Now you are just a person with an Autistic Neurology that has an unquenchable craving to rest, to sleep. 

My Autism, A Legacy

Grandpa’s Garden Now

Autism is surrounded by much controversy as to what causes it. Is it vaccinations, no. Autism predates vaccinations. Is it abuse, no. The best parents in the world can have an Autistic child. Environmental, weak at best. As soon as a family changed environments they wouldn’t have another Autistic child yet often they do. Pollution, no. Autism emerged when pollution was drastically lower than it is now. Then what causes it?

In 1943 Leo Kanner, the first person to openly observe and publish studies on Autism, also noticed the same eccentricities in the parent’s of the child that the Autistic child exhibited. Mr. Leo Kanner correctly thought that the condition was genetic even though he would waiver to and from that belief throughout his lifetime.

When I hear that the person who first recognized and studied Autism originally thought that Autism was a genetically inherited uniqueness, I get chills. I can recall, quite clearly, the two people who raised me from the age of two to the age of eight. My Grandparents. They are the perfect example for the argument that Autism has a strong genetic component. Both of them were loving and introverted, for the most part.

My Grandma was a quiet and compassionate woman. She didn’t have many friends but she did have her routines. Up in the morning, coffee, breakfast, daily obligations. Then she would rock in her rocking chair while watching the same shows she did the day before and the day before that, as she sipped her wine. Her Rocking chair, that was her favorite chair. The only place she sat. My dear Grandmother also walked on her toes, a trait I possess. As an adult knowing the quirks of Autism I now know that those were her stims and I smile. She is part of me.

My Grandmother had additional symptoms such as Sensory Processing Disorder, undiagnosed, but with twenty-twenty hindsight it’s obvious to me. She had an exaggerated startle reflex to loud or unexpected sounds. They clearly gave her anxiety. She had moved out of my Grandfather’s room, or removed him from hers, I’m not sure which, because his snoring kept her awake. (In all fairness he was a champion snorer and you could hear him everywhere!) However, everyone assumed it was because she held a grudge but no one knew what it was, I’m thinking it was just about the snoring. Grandma’s bedroom also had blackout shutters turning her room unnaturally dark, even in the daytime. These shutters were also installed in my room as they probably recognized my sensory processing issues as well. Even if they didn’t know what it was they knew I needed more darkness than other people night to be able to sleep. As a young child I would climb into bed with her. I have faint, but happy, memories of her carrying me down the hall back to my own room. Now I know it was because she couldn’t sleep with a tossing and turning 4 year old in the same bed with her. 

She also had a peculiarity with collecting bread bag tabs, twist ties, and plastic tv dinner trays when they became more common. She claimed it was because she was a child of The Great Depression and they kept everything just in case. But bread bag tan closures? I think it was Autism.

Grandma was also very logical for a woman and applied knowledge to life. There was a time when nonverbal me was fussy because of a tummy ache. So what did she do? Instead of fawning over me and trying to appease my irritability she crouched down to my level and gently put pressure on my stomach and on my back with her hands. This caused the gas that was giving me pain to escape in a rather loud passing. This caused her to smile and asked me if I felt better, I nodded, I did. When I was 17 and “dating” I showed her a picture of the boy I was seeing and referred to him as my intended. (I was really into older works of literature so I’d borrow archaic terms and words from them). Grandma didn’t get “girly” like other women by saying he was cute or asking how we met and wanting every emotional play by play. No, she instead infomed me on the meaning of the term “my intended”. It was only after my telling her I was aware that it meant the person I was going to marry that she became upset because I was too young.

Oh, Grandpa! Grandpa was intelligent. Scientific. Loving. A collector of objects, lover of radios, and a fan of knowledge. A believer that faith and knowledge could exist in harmony. My grandfather loved fishing and everytime he would go he would bring back gravel from the locale he had visited. He would store his collection of gravel in coffee cans in the Garage on a shelf above his work bench. Each one labeled with masking tape and Magic Marker what it was, where it came from, and what beach. All uniform, all organized. 

My Grandpa was also the collector of knowledge. It was he who taught me about the Greek Gods. He had books on everything from fish to mushrooms. I used to look at his books in awe at the array of color that this world has provided for us through flora and fauna. My favorite was the book of fish and pictures of the deep. I was a water baby, loving the sensory control it provided when I was submerged. So I would imagine what it was like down there at the bottom of the ocean. Safe and alone from the world above.

Grandpa had extensive knowledge, no doubt about that, but he had two narrow interests that I can vividly recall. His garden and his radio. He would spend hours on both of them. His garden had everything in it. Tomatoes, squash, eggplant, green beans, corn and more. It was magnificent! He’d spend summer days picking bright green, horned, worms out of the tomato plants. Behind the garden were orange, lemon, and grapefruit trees. A Loquat tree and strawberries also had a place in the yard. He knew everything about gardening and even had made the side yard into a greenhouse complete with a compost bin. My Grandpa loved different vegetables and even would brine his own olives. Perfectly content to be by himself. Like I am.

When he wasn’t gardening you could hear Grandpa on his radio in the garage. Click, click, click with the Morse Code. The crackle of the static. Maybe a beep or two. He would make friends this way. Much like the Autistic community has found connection in chat rooms and on Twitter my Grandfather found connection through the air waves of the 1980’s. I know he had a friend in Russia and a few in Canada. He was of Hispanic descent and loved learning about different cultures and sharing his. Much to my Grandma’s dismay, he also treated me to freshly fried, hot, chicharrones. Fried pork rinds which she thought were disgusting! They were delicious.

To me, in my memories, both of them were clearly on the Spectrum. They both had narrow interests, routines, and stims. They both were perfectly content in solitude. Neither were especially physically affectionate but they knew when to give hugs and when not to. They were incredibly loving and empathetic in a way that I understood even if others didn’t. I saw evidence of Masking (a form of “acting” that Autistic people assume so they fit in with Neurotypical people/society better) in pictures and other relics of family history. Like my Grandma attempting to sell Mary Kay. My Grandfather portraying himself as a ladies man in old home video reels. All of it. Them. They are where I come from. They are my genetic code. They are the people in which my Autism flows from. Autism is my heritage, my legacy and I cherish it because it connects me to them.