Like all Autistics, I have never fit in. Ever. I can fake it pretty well but something is missing that prevents me from bonding with others. A few hangouts or dates and they usually bail leaving me in the wake of “What the hell did I do this time?” I knew it wasn’t me as I always intended the best for everyone, I tried so hard to click. It never worked with females (the term was chosen because it doesn’t denote solely those assigned female at birth) but I was better at being friends with males. Which, as a married woman, complicates things. So I just remain lonely and for the most part friendless.
I have separate Medical/Psych records that note my lack of eye contact, reduced facial expression, and several other Autistic tells that no one was able to hear. If Autism Speaks why then did no one hear it for 37 or so years. Simply it’s due to people not wanting to hear it. I even walked 2 miles to the ER to try to get help for what I assumed was PTSD and was told that I was the problem. I have some strong words for that but I’ll not mention them. I tried to tell them that I was about to have an episode in which I would not be able to prevent myself from hitting my head. Still. Nothing.
In 2017 I joined forces with my Husband and his Nephew who was itching to start an online Church. We were sick of the crap that was getting pumped out into the World after Trump was crowned King and we decided to fight the good fight. I was chosen as the face because, well, I’m attractive compared to them I guess. About 4 sermons into the formation of said Congregation I started to have a huge, monumentally huge, panic attack. I had one person watching at the time and I knew who it was. I was prepared. I was safe. Medicated for Anxiety. By all means, I was not in a position to have a panic attack from PTSD. This isn’t my Modus Operandi. I felt sheer dread, I was rumbling and about to Meltdown. The next weekend I couldn’t even turn on the computer. I was experiencing a Shutdown, a term I wouldn’t be familiar with for some time. Something was up that was far beyond anything that could be Therapized out of me and I was certain I knew what was going on. I had realized that I had had Meltdowns before.
That week I told my Therapist what had been going on and asked her something I had suspected since 2010. My nephew is Autistic and I think I’m Autistic as well, what do you think?
Her reply was, “I have noticed some things but if you are you can’t be very Autistic. Just a little bit, if anything. Do you know Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory?”
Me, “Of course that’s my favorite show! I’m not as social as him though. I don’t even have as many friends as he does.”
Therapist, “Exactly, he wouldn’t be either if he was Autistic in real life. He’d never be married or have that many friends.”
My awesomeness, “Do you know who could assess me?!”
I left with Sheldon wouldn’t be as functional and neither would you but she agreed that I should be assessed.
The search for someone to diagnose me was in my hands because it’s incredibly difficult to find someone that will do an adult Dx and I hate talking on the phone, so, naturally! They make it as hard as possible for those whose parents didn’t bother to look into why their kid was weird! The lack of consideration and respect for me as an Autistic was front and center. Thankfully my IQ is high so I was able to find someone in an efficient timeframe. (Anyway, that is what a Psych would tell me.)
I found a place that would take my insurance and assessed adults. It was a Godsend having the entire bill covered through our insurance and I feel so blessed because of that. Seriously, that never happens! But my state passed a law that increased the accessibility of Autism services to those who needed them. So I made an appointment.
(Please note that if I had not been awarded SSI and been put on Medicaid I would not have been able to afford the 850.00 bill for the assessment even with my husband’s insurance. I’m not privileged, I’m disabled.)
It was in the middle of the Christmas season in 2017 that my first half of a 4-hour assessment was scheduled. When we got there I spilled my coffee and felt horrible.
She looked at me and said “Most of the time when someone your age comes in looking for an Autism diagnosis it’s because they have a family member that was diagnosed and/or they have done extensive research themselves and already know that they are Autistic. Tell me why you suspect you are Autistic.”
I let it all out. I walk on my toes! The notes in several medical files that say I can’t make eye contact. The times I have tried again and again to make friends. My laughing at (it was really with but I didn’t know she wasn’t laughing) a friend in pain. I didn’t know she was in pain. To me, it sounded like she was doubled over in laughter. I still cringe over this!
Fun Fact: In the middle of my assessment my Doctor looked at my husband and said that she thinks he needs to be assessed next. A year later he received his Autism Dx!
I relayed to my assessing Psych how I would misread faces. To me, someone suppressing laughter and someone being angry, at times, can look the same. There’s the embarrassment when people walk away mid-sentence or conversation because I took too long to process the information and produce an answer. I was insanely quiet. Always assumed to be shy. (Once you get to know me though you can’t get me to shut up!) The one that took it though was that I didn’t speak until I was four. Four! Again, I ask, how was this missed!
After the first session, I was exhausted. It was Christmas and Christmas is hard on me when it comes to overstimulation. I melted down that night because of the 2 hours of assessment and all the Christmas cheer that was forced onto my nervous system in Walmart. I almost canceled the whole thing out of doubt but I went back for my second session anyway.
I wanted to hide, the coffee stain was still there, I obsessed about it. This time she ran me through a battery of puzzles, simple math equations, memory exercises, and other tests. I found out that if I don’t have to think about the mathematical formulations that I can make an educated guess and guess the solution accurately. I have incredible lingual abilities which were probably learned out of the desperate need to communicate effectively. (It didn’t work. Being more proficient with words just makes people think I’m a snob and know it all. I’m not. I just want to connect.) I was able to logically deduce people’s state of mind even though I can’t intuitively pick up on things. (Ex: Crossed arms means someone is guarded, mad, or cold and I can analyze and extrapolate information from clues. Not always correctly.)
When I came back for the results she told me Autism was exactly what was going on! Oh! I was so happy but I didn’t show it because I don’t show my empathy outwardly as much as Neurotypicals even though I have plenty of empathy for people. I have a great IQ, which is what the second session was about. She explained that the IQ test was simply to rule out any other conditions that may give the appearance of Autism such as an intellectual disability, which I did not have, I was quite intelligent. I am a bit slower at learning but I also retain more information and in the long run can learn things better and more accurately than others therefore can carry out a job more completely and satisfactorily in comparison to my NT peers. (Even if it’s annoyingly accurate because I have problems deviating from what I’m taught and what I’m used to.)
In the end, I was given a Level 1 Autism diagnosis which used to be called Asperger’s. It gave me answers upon answers. Look no one wants to hit their head it’s messed up but I had a reason as to why I hit my head. Why is this?
It was because I was Autistic. I am okay with that.